Addicted in Hollywood: Scary Lengths Stars Go to Stay Scary Skinny - FoxNews.com

Addicted in Hollywood: Scary Lengths Stars Go to Stay Scary Skinny - FoxNews.com

Dangerous dieting is as old as Hollywood.

And it can be deadly.

Singer Karen Carpenter died at 32 of complications from anorexia nervosa, specifically "cardiotoxicity" brought on by the chemical emetine, found in the now banned over-the-counter drug, ipecac.

Glamazon Anna Nicole-Smith, who had gone through years of yo-yo dieting, was on a host of prescription medications, including two that could be used for weight loss, when she died of an accidental overdose at the age of 39.

Screen legend Judy Garland was hounded by film executives who told her she was too fat. The actress turned to pounding pound-shedding amphetamines over the course of her lifetime. She died at age 47 of a barbiturate overdose.

Now experts say destructive dieting only getting worse.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2011/07/08/addicted-in-hollywood-scary-lengths-stars-to-to-stay-super-skinny/#ixzz1T5vvjlqz

fucking tabloids and the thin Circus Ridiculous

Who can remember the 1970s? D, if you're out there and you happen to read this, I know you do. ;) "Everyone" was thin when I was growing up. Thin was the cultural norm. Seeing bones was the cultural norm. Not because people were unhealthy, but because that's how the body looks.

No one ever commented that Debbie Harry was too thin.

Or that Annie Lennox had gone mad with anorexia nervosa.

Or that Cheryl Tiegs should get help with her weight issue.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT AN ISSUE TO BE THIN. IT'S NOT AN ISSUE IF YOUR BONES ARE VISIBLE. THEY FREAKING SHOULD BE IF YOU'RE HEALTHY.

Nearly every magazine in the grocery store check out isle has headlines about so and so's weight. Bloody hell. I'm too tired to rant.

this says everything

anorexia won't fix your problems

The title of today's post sums something up. I don't know what. This is what some bitch said to me as she passed me on the sidewalk today. In a clear voice she said, "Anorexia won't fix your problems." I wanted to say, 'It would fix some of yours, fatass!' But I said nothing.

Firstly, she doesn't know me. Secondly, I'm not even thin right now. Maybe. Maybe! If I were six pounds lighter, then it could be a legitimate accusation. At 90 pounds, I start to look thin. Even if I were thin, what makes her think it's acceptable to say that to someone. It's the equivalent of me walking up to a random person and saying, "Binge eating won't fix your problems." Or, "Consumerism won't solve your problems."

I was annoyed, especially because I was walking with my son. Fortunately, he was monologuing about a game we both play and didn't notice Passing Rude Girl. But still! I'll do what ever the fuck I want to with my body. If I want to starve or binge or slam heroin in my veins, it's my choice. Grrr.

Related articles

• Christiane Traded Drug Use and Eating Disorders For A Healthy Lifestyle (thatsfit.com)
• Anorexia, Bulemia Significantly Increase Risk of Death (inquisitr.com)

so lost right now

I wish I knew what I was doing. Afloat in my life, I find avoidance to be my only relief. I don't detach; yet, I'm absent. Borders between one thing and the next are so fuzzy and nothing feels right.

What is this appetite? This hunger? And why does it never leave me any more? Is this the accumulation of a lifetime spent in the realm of eating disorders? Have the long term deficiencies caught up with me?

I don't understand how to do this and win. Clearly, I'm not "beating" this. I'm neither at peace, nor am I particularly agitated. In a way, I'm just resigned to my fate. I don't even care if I get fat. Okay. That's a lie. I care, but not enough to stop myself from binging and purging.

It's become a complete struggle to keep anything down. When I do decide to give digesting a "meal" a go, I spend hours in a state of heightened anxiety. I feel the food seeping into body, my cells growing plump. I don't think I have ever felt this large before. I'm not kidding. The scale puts me at 96 pounds but I might as well be twice that.

Putting clothes on, bathing, using lotion; these acts are terrifying for me because I have to deal with my body. I can't bear it. My waist measures 23.75 inches. My thighs are up to 18.75 inches. Everything is getting bigger.

Increasing protein was a huge mistake! I tried to increase fat and take a flax supplement thinking it would take care of my fat soluble vitamin deficiencies, but no. I'm not absorbing the nutrients, not absorbing / metabolizing fats properly and it's fucking me up. It's fucking everything up.

I can't find work. My mortgage is one month behind. My son is fucked up. My daughter needs me. A married man has the hots for me. My friend is dying. I haven't been laid for almost two years. I told two people about my brother molesting me. My electricity is in danger of being shut off. I have a bench warrant for not paying a parking ticket. Et cetera.

If I can't control my fucking food issue, then what business do I have trying to control anything?

backing away from the edge

Image by The U.S. National Archives via Flickr


I wish I never got out of control with my insanity, my eating disorder, my anxiety; whatever, it's all the same crazy brain. When I'm acting out the self destructive behaviors and feeling like I have no say in what I'm doing to myself, I get so freaked out. Last week, suicidal ideation was my only escape.

Having found myself stuck again in a cycle of binging and puking - and not my more typical oh-the-day-is-over-I-feel-full-gotta-puke-now b/p thing - this was days of non-stop food craving insanity. I'd probably have been better off if I'd have made myself digest one of those boxes of cereal I'd eaten, but come on. No way.

What I'd like to know is this, when was the "magic moment" that snapped me out of it and why did I snap out of it? It's got to be anxiety related because I was under a shit ton of pressure and worry in regards to my quite ill child, unpaid bills, dying friend and thus and such.

Argh, but I don't know! It's not like all the worries have vanished. Maybe it's my menstrual cycle, my brain's need for fat, carbs and protein, my will to survive.

Some force pulled me back a few paces. I'm still acting out ED behaviors, but they're manageable. It's back to the "usual" for me:  restricting calories, obsessive thoughts and actions like, relentless calculations and exercising for hours. This I can handle. I feel much safer this way.

Related articles

• A new study on self-injury behavior encourages quick and targeted intervention (eurekalert.org)
• Treating Eating Disorders and the Depression or Anxiety That Often Accompany Them (psychologytoday.com)

teetering on the edge

Image by yewenyi via FlickrHow is it that I'm so close to the edge again? First, let me define that. For me, the edge is the point when my eating disorder and accompanying mental crutches are no longer working for me.

The edge is when the facade comes down and I have to see myself for what I am. At that point, I become very shaky, very unstable. In order to avoid reality, I crank up the sick behaviors a little bit more. So, I'm fasting. I'm fasting in order to forget everything I am and all that I'll never be.

I'm fasting because I ate in the middle of the night while zonked on benzos. Some things never change.

Related articles

• Eating Disorders in Older Women - Deadly, misunderstood, and underestimated (head-heart-health.com)
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black swan put me out of my head

Image by ario_ via FlickrA few days ago, I saw Black Swan. The film floored me, pushed me way past my comfort zone and left me feeling exposed, vulnerable. It's almost like Aronofsky understands too well the subtle everyday traumas associated with mental illness, with our deeper private selves. Or are we, who live with our illnesses, so obvious to the greater world around us?

I identified with the character, Nina, a bit too much. I was that kind of dancer, always seeking precision and perfection in my movements. I needed to know exactly how my body was to be at each second. I didn't "free form" dance, not in ballet. And I had perfect technique. I needed it. With that, I was held together. I understood how I fit in to space and time as long as I was dancing. Peace of mind was in the studio, in the mirrors, where I could see myself in perfect form.

It doesn't take much to disrupt that balance though. With Nina, we witness an extreme transformation as her illness takes the yoke and flies her to a devastating paradox. Aware of her madness, she chooses to accept it. She chooses love and releases herself from the demons. Her fate is understood. She understands that she must succumb to her madness.

I've been in moments like that. In the moments before attempting suicide, you find that grace. Though your plight may be awful, you accept it with dignity and do what you must. Sigh.

Madness sucks as does getting tired. I want to explore the impact of this film more though. It brought up a lot of issues. I need to get them sorted and put away again.

crazy ex, FUCK OFF!

So I was opening my email as I tend to do, and was stunned by what I saw. My last husband, aka gas lighting pro, sent me a message.

Subject line: happy anniversary ;) 

I kid you not. This dude married me then split a couple months later when he realized that I wasn't going to sign my house over to him, nor was I going to allow him to treat me or my children abusively. Mother fucker. How dare he email me. Says he wants to talk, but doesn't have my number. Dude can get it from someone if he wants it badly enough.

I deleted the message. I'm not going to respond. Ignore. As a matter of fact, I set up a filter to delete all of his sent emails straight away. Whatever he wants, he'll have to find it somewhere else. So there.

Honestly though, I wonder if he's back in my town. I fear he'll come knocking on my door. I hope he's still 1200 miles away. Seriously, I do. The guy freaks me out.

I puked today. Though I did it before I got the email, so it's not like that was an ED trigger. I'm just pissed; pissed that he thinks it's alright to send me a jovial email on the eve of the anniversary of the wedding. What a dick. I have no attachment to this day and I've had no contact with him for almost five years.

GAH. Just when things had gotten calm. :D  Yeah, right.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL

effing cheese cracker nightmare

The past 24 hours has been kind of messed up, ED-wise. I woke in the middle of the night and ate a bunch of crackers, cheez its to be exact. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I went to barf.

Yeah. Ever try to purge that crap? Cheez its become a solid lump of fat and carbs impenetrable by most substances once they've been chewed and swallowed. Normally, if I wanted that sweet, cheesy, salty, fatty snack, I'd spit out what I'd chewed. But during a zombie binge, forget it. For an hour I tried to get all of it out of me. Water, water, water, purge, purge, purge. Needless to say, very little made it into the toilet.

In a panic, because I was feeling like a whale, I took three, only three, laxies. Here's the messed up part. I didn't really remember what I'd done until I was getting out of bed and doubled over with stomach pain. Silly me. I can't take laxatives! They kill me.

Immediately, I felt a need to throw up. Like watering mouth and nausea, not like a purge. Grr. My morning was stained by this. I didn't get my daughter off to school. (Which ended up being ok because she's ill.) Within a hour I was on the toilet and have been off and on the toilet all freaking day. I've had nothing to eat because the evil cheez it experience used all 800 cals. AND I could only manage 30 minutes of working out.

Fuck! I'd have been better off skipping the laxies, but being empty feels so good. In a twisted way, it's been worth it. I feel so much "cleaner" now.

All I know is that I'm looking forward to 800 cals of healthy food tomorrow.

Related articles

• What can you do if you have bulimia (wiki.answers.com)
• Am I Bulimic? A Checklist About Binging and Purging (brighthub.com)
• Spotlight on the Effects of Being Bulimic (brighthub.com)

800 calorie days

I had a successful 800 calorie day yesterday and worked out for about two and a half hours. I won't be able to work out that long today, but I am planning on an 800 cal repeat.

I had air popped popcorn in the middle of the night. Yes, I do that. I wake up in a stupor and eat. Sometimes not remembering until I see evidence of it in the morning. I hate it. Anyway, I'll be starting the day with 250 calories. (I always round up.)

As far as where I am with my eating disorder...I can say this. Right now, my hair feels thick and healthy. That took a couple months to achieve. But if I have to pick between having a weight over 95 pounds and thick hair or a weight closer to 90 pounds and thin hair, I'll take the lower weight and the thinner hair.

Know what I mean?

Related articles

• An Overview of Calorie Shifting Meal Plans (brighthub.com)
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ain't dead yet

Hi all. I've been away from the internet lately, but I'm managing to make my way back into things. Winter was hard, so hard. I really had myself messed up there for a while. But here I am. Ready to do it all over again.

I'm terrified to weigh myself, but I've measured. My waist has gone from 23" to 23.75". I think it's safe to assume that my entire body is covered with an extra .75" of fat.

So, I have to get rid of it. Obviously.

Going Inpatient

Yeah, you know, the hospital. I'm going to try to stay off the eating disorder unit and stick to the regular old crazy person ward. I'll find out in a couple days. Even though I'm at an anorexic weight, I haven't lost 15% of my body weight or whatever so hopefully no red flags will go off.

I'm going in because my risk for self harm, aka suicide, is increasing exponentially. I know I'm not safe in my own head right now. Fuck wellbutrin. I've been off it for...a couple weeks? A few? But I can't shake the feeling it left in its wake.

I wish I had a modern phone so as to update all my internet stuffs while I'm IP. Who knows, maybe they have allowances for online time there. It is 2011, after all.

I'll be back. Disgustingly enough, I'll probably be skinnier than I've been for a long time when I get out. Going under 90 pounds will be a breeze in that environment.

Fuck this life.

94.5, slow going

Finally under 95 again. This is ridiculous. For less than a month, I was over 95, but it was ruining every day.

Two and a half pounds to the safer zone though, so I'm not going to bitch about this weight. I know it'll keep going down, especially once it starts to get warmer, if ever Spring comes. Another 40 days or so of Winter. I'm so over the cold...being cold 24/7.

Whatever, I weigh less than the other day. I puked today though. Oopsie.

Related articles

• Cutting Carbs Helped Chris Drop 125 Pounds (thatsfit.com)
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omg, I want to barf so badly

At what point did being full become so bad? Hmm... You know, I actually remember the first time I felt like my hunger exceeded what I was allowed to eat.

Image by nyer82 via Flickr

I was 13. My best friend and I ate not one, but two boxes of kraft mac and cheese. Because we had spent the sticky, hot, summer day swimming and babysitting, we were starving. At some point after our oh-so-healthy meal, it occurred to me that I'd had entirely too much.


Prior to that day, I never gave food a whole lot of thought, not in terms of calories anyway. What stands out is that I started to believe that there were limits to what I could have, what I had the right to have.

That summer was a breaking point in so many ways; most pointedly, I was developing and feeling kind of pretty, wishing I knew how to be sexy. Then, I was molested. Go figure, einstein. 

Presently, I can't stop obsessing (redundant, I know) about throwing up. I just really want to feel empty, empty, empty. Void. Non-existent. Desperately, I wish my brain would shut the actual fuck up. Puking isn't an option. Additionally, I haven't done it for over a week now. I hate this so, so much. Especially because I'm clueless as to what and who in the hell I am without ED behaviors to control my boundaries.

fuck it

but I haven't thrown up...D:

Image via WikipediaI'm in a crazy phase right now, still crawling out of an extended stay in BulimiaLand. Freaking disgusting. I hate when my body overrides my mental capacity to fend off hunger. What's weakened me, I think, is the wellbutrin. I've not felt so out of control since I was a teenager.

Since November I've been taking this stuff and I have been desperately hungry the entire time. I refuse to believe it's been because my body is starving. I've kept my weight above 90 pounds. Clearly, I'm not starved.

Yesterday was my last day of wellbutrin, after having cut the dose in half for a while. I'm so done with the stuff.

I haven't puked for days. I've been doing fine fasting throughout the day. It's these whacked out middle of the night, nightmare binges. Sometimes, when I wake up, I wonder what was dream and what was real. I have these grocery shopping/eating/barfing nightmares all the time lately.

Over the past four days, I've accumulated almost 2400 calories over what I allow myself. (It doesn't matter if I was the same amount under my allowance for the three days prior.) I'll do hours of cardio today, but I don't think that really rids the body of calories. The whole exercise as a means of purging is a bit too bullshitty for me. Either you've over eaten or you haven't. You can't really make up for it.

I'll do the hours of cardio anyway. It's the only time my thoughts quiet down a bit. Four hours of cardio is only going to burn about 1200 calories. I'll still be 1200 calories over. I'll fast again all day and hopefully not awaken to find myself eating in the kitchen at 3:00 a.m.

In a way, it's a relief not to puke. I'm stopping the cycle so as to slide back into an affair with my other eating disorder. This is how it goes. I never have to feel too much, never have to do too much, never have to be fully present.

obsess much?

I spent four hours doing cardio today and another 30 minutes doing strengthening stuff and stretching. I had to. Not only did I have my house all to myself, but I had a zombie binge last night and I had to balance that out.

Zombie binge included whole wheat tortillas, peanut butter, yogurt, and some pretzels dipped in sour cream. This behavior makes me wish I could take something that knocked me completely out at night instead of knocking me somewhat out.

I'm getting off wellbutrin; a wee bit too much dopamine action for me. If I want to feel doped up, I'll go right to opioids. I don't need to mess with the phychotropics. Though I have to admit, I still want adderall or provigil.

I feel so gross right now and just want to get out of this stupid body. I still weigh 95, no thanks to the middle of the night food fest.I hope to return to "normal" (90-92) once the wellbutrin is out of my bod.

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• What is meant by obsessive compulsive disorder (wiki.answers.com)
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newfound respect for overweight people?

Image via WikipediaThis morning at the grocery store, I noticed an overweight girl as she shopped. She was nicely dressed, clean, looked like she was a college student. I first noticed her in the produce section carefully choosing fresh fruit and veggies. Also, I saw her in other isles. We were going through the store at pretty much the same pace.

What stood out to me was the careful consideration she was putting into each item she chose, reading labels and such, really taking her time. Clearly, she was trying to make good food choices, but man! It's no simple task.

I take for granted the years of experience I have with nutrition awareness. I can't imagine growing up in a home where healthy food wasn't provided, being on my own for the first time, being overweight and trying to figure out what to do about it.

If you're on a tight budget, it's even harder. The less expensive foods are pure shit, I'm learning. As my food budget shrinks, I'm highly aware of the price hikes, the shrinking of packaging and the contents within. The cheap foods are full of fillers and preservatives, sugars and high sodium. Though they provides calories, they skimp on actual nutrition and when your body doesn't get the nutrients it needs, your hunger increases.

Usually, out of fear for my own loss of control, I'm highly critical of obese people, but that young woman today, she opened my eyes a bit more to the struggle faced by so many individuals. It's time we, as consumers, demand adequate nutrition in foods and reasonable prices. That way, people could stop buying crappy foods and nourish themselves properly.

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95 lbs, getting closer to the safe zone

It won't be much longer before I can stop panicking about poundage. I'm restricting though not really. I'm keeping to about 900 calories. And I'm freezing!!! It's like -A- degree outside.

95.5 today

Thank freaking god. I don't think daily weighing is necessarily healthy, but until I'm at peace with my weight, I'm doing it.

Hunger feels good today, like I'm in charge. It's a control thing you probably already understand.

losertown time! yay!

Alrightie. Cleaning up my act a little, now. To commemorate a shift away from barfing once a day, I decided to pay a visit to losertown! Here are the specs if I do 900 calories a day and maintain my usual workouts. I think 900 is way plenty; it tends to be my intake status quo when I'm not barfing. 


In two weeks, I'll be a bit happier. In four weeks, my weight will be acceptable again. In five weeks, I can slow it down a bit. One, two, three, let's GO!

But I know that you know that I know that...

Image by suizilla via Flickr

a brilliant fake letter will help me :\

Here's how messed up I am. I faked a letter to myself from a medical research group in order to "legally" and seriously restrict around my kids for the next few weeks. My brilliant thought was that I'd put it on the fridge. At present, this letter is in my back pocket. Of course I folded it into three, you know, like you do with a letter. The letter says...and I did a letterhead and everything (um, yeah, what the fuck?).

Image by x-ray delta one via Flickr

The letter says,

You have enrolled in the following study:
I/O Study - Relationship Between Certain Medications and Nutrition. You will receive compensation upon completion of the entire study. Should medical issues arise please contact your approved physician or dial 911 in the case of an emergency. In order to receive full compensation the following rules must be adhered to:

I/O Study Part 1

• to last no less than seven days, no more than fifteen days
• beverages permitted include water, tea, coffee, sugar free drinks, no alcohol
• take medicine as prescribed
• maximum of 500 kcalories daily
• chart I/O and physical reactions using online resource provided

I/O Study Part 2

• to last no less than 48 hours, no more than 96 hours
• only  beverages permitted (include water, tea, coffee, sugar free drinks)
• take medicine as prescribed
• chart I/O and physical reactions using online resource provided

I/O Study Part 3

• to last no less than seven days, no more than fifteen days
• beverages permitted include water, tea, coffee, sugar free drinks, no alcohol
• take medicine as prescribed
• maximum of 1500 kcalories daily
• chart I/O and physical reactions using online resource provided

I/O Study Part 4

• to last no less than seven days, no more than fifteen days
• take medicine as prescribed
• no limitations on kcalories
• chart I/O and physical reactions using online resource provided

Thank you for participating in I/O Study - Relationship Between Certain Medications and Nutrition. We value your willingness to be part of our important research program(s).

Thom Silcin, PhD, MSW
Research Coordinator

I thought I'd do parts one and two over and over. How fucking insane is that? Doing this has nothing to do with my children other than sucking them into my insanity. I already restrict. If I binge and purge it's after they've gone to bed. Why would I want them to monitor my eating? It's so sick.

This dumb ass letter is an attempt to restore order where there is none. This letter is about my reaction to my weight going up a few pounds. This letter is my illness manifest on paper. Though I won't put it on the fridge or anywhere else, it'll serve as a reminder that I'm sick in the head.

so not into my life today

I don't feel like doing anything today. Perhaps hiding under covers with a good book would be nice, but other than that nothing appeals to me. It's not depression. Maybe it's apathy or ambivalence or whatthefuckever. I just don't care.

I'm sick of a frigging lifetime of restricting, of spending hours a day working out, of barfing almost every time I feel something akin to full and thinking about weight. I know that none of it is relevant. All these things I do are just a manifestation of a mental illness.

Image by FaceMePLS via FlickrNo matter what behavior I engage in, my weight never really changes that much. My body can't take it. You'd think I'd be able to let this go but I'm so terribly fearful of ever being fat. Thing is, I see fat as a failure and I'm already a failure. So if being afraid to fail is the issue, well, I've already done it. So what's the big?



I'm just not interested in myself or my life. I'm a lame ass cliche. With certainty I can tell you that I will never amount to much. All I'll ever have is my figure and gravity is sure to have its way with me. Ultimately, I have nothing.

benzolicious, actually not

Image via Wikipedia

This might sound strange, but I'm starting to deeply long for my anxiety, for my OCD habits, for my behavioral status quo. In July, I started taking xanax on a regular basis. I hadn't been sleeping much; I was moody; I was getting paranoid, but it's what I'm use to.

In a way, I feel like I've been stripped of myself, stripped of my coping mechanisms. So while my anxiety has been decreased significantly, nothing else has really changed. I'm still me when I wake up every morning, but I'm me minus an essential part of my core.



Resentment fills me because I know that's why my eating is so unstable, too. I started having "problems" after I started taking benzos. That's when the night binges started, hence puking of course. Last night I did it again. I woke up half-asleep and I was starving. I ate two tortillas with peanut butter. That's all my calories for the whole day! I didn't throw up. Not only because purging peanut butter sucks, but because I didn't want to screw myself up.

If I'm not good at following my food rules, it really messes with my head. Controlling myself in the scary realm of food is my security blanket and I feel like it's been ripped away.

I won't eat for the rest of the day, but that makes no difference because it's not like I've successfully restricted; I'm just making up for last night's midnight binge. I'm still full. Love/hate. I've wanted to feel satiated but full, meh, not so much, no. No. No. NO NO NO NO NO NO!

I want to go back to what I know best.

PAO's 2010 Eating Disorder Blog of the Year Award

A big thank you to Skinny, diva extraordinaire at PAO, for giving me the 2010 Eating Disorder Blog of the Year Award. You really give a lot to the ED community, Skinny. I'll proudly put this badge on my blog. ;)

grocery store

I'm sitting in my kitchen in a state of mild panic. The grocery list sits to my left, scribbled, unfinished.

Image by House Of Sims via Flickr
• fruits and veggies       
• lettuces
• vinegar
• lime juice
• coffee
• soy milk
• half and half
• chicken
• popping corn
• diet pepsi (by the truckload)

That much, I'm okay with.  It's the other part of the list I don't want to tend to; the part with all the foods my children need to maintain good health and make meals.

Seriously, this is agonizing. Especially because I had a benzonked "binge" in the night. I ate cheese and tuna and bread. Sure, it may sound normal to some, but I don't eat cheese 360 days of the year. I think canned tuna is best for a cat and bread is something I'm loathe to ingest. I have my freaking rules, you know? These aren't new rules, but this insatiable appetite is.

What the hell? Lately, throughout the day, I've been thinking about things like adding cashews and almonds to fresh, organic peanut butter. I've been thinking about hearty soups and homemade breads.

And I'm vacant, hollow, even when I do put something in my stomach. It's not like I'm starving here. My weight yesterday was 94.5. THAT'S NOT EVEN LOW OR UNHEALTHY! But this deep hunger won't  go away. I take my vitamins. It won't go away. I eat 1,000 calories. It won't go away. I fill myself with warm broth. It won't go away.

I don't feel my fullness, though I'm full. It's an ache, a burning, a void I can't fill, like I'm soulless.

Because I ate in the middle of the night, I took laxatives this morning to punish myself. If you keep up with this blog, then you know how painful it is for me to take them. The lax abuse I did as a teen harmed me in such a way that when I take them now, it floors me. My stomach will hurt so intensely that I'll be writhing on the bed. I'm sick. I'm so sick.

So I have to get to the grocery before that happens. And I don't want to go. And I want to be alone with my sickness. And I want to exercise all day long. But I have to pretend that I'm okay. I can't let my illness be my guide. I have to be responsible despite what my thoughts dictate.

This madness shall surely be the death of me.

Related articles

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Anorexic French Model Isabelle Caro Dead

Rest in Peace

        Article by By Gil Kaufman

Anorexic French Model Isabelle Caro Dead

Though she died last month, the world is just now learning about the passing of French model Isabelle Caro. The 28-year-old Caro bravely became the face of eating disorders in 2007 when she appeared in a shocking billboard campaign warning of the dangers of anorexia during fashion week in Italy. In the ads, a painfully thin Caro, who weighed less than 60 pounds at the time, was depicted peering over her shoulder with the words "No. Anorexia" plastered in large letters across the top of the nude image.

Caro became one of the leaders of an effort to warn about the dangers of eating disorders, but after the health effects of the disorder weakened her body, she died on November 17 following a long sickness, according to her acting coach, E! News reported.

Caro said in interviews that she had suffered from anorexia nervosa since she was 13, telling CBS News in 2007 that she agreed to do the ad because "I said if I can put my years of suffering to good use then it will not have been pointless. ... I know it's a shocking photo, and I want it to shock. It's really a warning that it is a serious illness."

In addition to working as a judge on "France's Next Top Model," Caro was featured in the second episode of Jessica Simpson's VH1 reality series "The Price of Beauty," in which the singer traveled the globe to uncover the lengths to which women go to attain what society believes is perfection. Caro's appearance on the show brought Simpson to tears. "What you are doing right now makes you more beautiful and I hope women all over the world hear about the story," Simpson told Caro on the show, during which the model described how even as a teenager who weighed just 89 pounds she was told she needed to lose weight. "To us, what you're doing right now makes you one of the most beautiful people that we have ever seen. And we really just appreciate you sitting in front of us and having such powerful words. God bless you. ... And I think it's important for women to know that the skinnier you are doesn't make you more beautiful."

Despite her disturbing image in the 2007 ad, Caro worried that some anorexia sufferers (sometimes known as pro-ana for their support of anorexia as a lifestyle choice) might misinterpret her message. "I hope not. To see my tailbone like an open wound, I show myself as I am. I'm not beautiful, my hair is ruined and I know I will never have long hair again. I've lost several teeth," she said of her looks on the billboard. "My skin is dry. My breasts have fallen. No young girl wants to look like a skeleton. ... You couldn't believe anyone would want to look like that. I don't think there's any question about it."

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binging, barfing and bringing in the new year

Image by soundlessfall via FlickrIt's the new year. In the past 16 hours I've eaten and thrown up five times. I haven't done anything like that for more than 20 years. Is my body that freaking hungry? So hungry that I eat out of desperation only to be left flooded with guilt and repulsion. So much so that I have to get rid of what I can. Of course, barfing takes forfuckingever. I hate wasting my time like that. It's as though I think I deserve it, like a punishment.

My children are away from me for the first time ever on a new year's eve/morning. I didn't go to the traditional party. This would have been the eighth year in a row at the same place with the same dear friends.

What is happening to me? My heart gets funny sometimes, but I'm taking vitamins. I cut down on speed. I'm eating poorly due to barfing. Yep, I feel like I'm in the dreaded bulimia range, though I haven't been barfing consistently for long enough of a time. Still, it's the worst feeling.

Tomorrow, well, after I sleep a bit I hope to wake with eyes and spirit a bit brighter. Things will get better...as long as I don't go fucking everything up, as usual.

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• Anorexia campaign model dies (politics.ie)