black swan put me out of my head

Image by ario_ via FlickrA few days ago, I saw Black Swan. The film floored me, pushed me way past my comfort zone and left me feeling exposed, vulnerable. It's almost like Aronofsky understands too well the subtle everyday traumas associated with mental illness, with our deeper private selves. Or are we, who live with our illnesses, so obvious to the greater world around us?

I identified with the character, Nina, a bit too much. I was that kind of dancer, always seeking precision and perfection in my movements. I needed to know exactly how my body was to be at each second. I didn't "free form" dance, not in ballet. And I had perfect technique. I needed it. With that, I was held together. I understood how I fit in to space and time as long as I was dancing. Peace of mind was in the studio, in the mirrors, where I could see myself in perfect form.

It doesn't take much to disrupt that balance though. With Nina, we witness an extreme transformation as her illness takes the yoke and flies her to a devastating paradox. Aware of her madness, she chooses to accept it. She chooses love and releases herself from the demons. Her fate is understood. She understands that she must succumb to her madness.

I've been in moments like that. In the moments before attempting suicide, you find that grace. Though your plight may be awful, you accept it with dignity and do what you must. Sigh.

Madness sucks as does getting tired. I want to explore the impact of this film more though. It brought up a lot of issues. I need to get them sorted and put away again.