Image by The U.S. National Archives via FlickrI wish I never got out of control with my insanity, my eating disorder, my anxiety; whatever, it's all the same crazy brain. When I'm acting out the self destructive behaviors and feeling like I have no say in what I'm doing to myself, I get so freaked out. Last week, suicidal ideation was my only escape.
Having found myself stuck again in a cycle of binging and puking - and not my more typical oh-the-day-is-over-I-feel-full-gotta-puke-now b/p thing - this was days of non-stop food craving insanity. I'd probably have been better off if I'd have made myself digest one of those boxes of cereal I'd eaten, but come on. No way.
What I'd like to know is this, when was the "magic moment" that snapped me out of it and why did I snap out of it? It's got to be anxiety related because I was under a shit ton of pressure and worry in regards to my quite ill child, unpaid bills, dying friend and thus and such.
Argh, but I don't know! It's not like all the worries have vanished. Maybe it's my menstrual cycle, my brain's need for fat, carbs and protein, my will to survive.
Some force pulled me back a few paces. I'm still acting out ED behaviors, but they're manageable. It's back to the "usual" for me: restricting calories, obsessive thoughts and actions like, relentless calculations and exercising for hours. This I can handle. I feel much safer this way.
I'm glad you've stepped back, and while knowing when that moment was might be educational and helpful, the most important thing is that it happened. Flirting with the edge is one thing, but crossing it is something I think everyone finds quite scary :(
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