What is this appetite? This hunger? And why does it never leave me any more? Is this the accumulation of a lifetime spent in the realm of eating disorders? Have the long term deficiencies caught up with me?
I don't understand how to do this and win. Clearly, I'm not "beating" this. I'm neither at peace, nor am I particularly agitated. In a way, I'm just resigned to my fate. I don't even care if I get fat. Okay. That's a lie. I care, but not enough to stop myself from binging and purging.
It's become a complete struggle to keep anything down. When I do decide to give digesting a "meal" a go, I spend hours in a state of heightened anxiety. I feel the food seeping into body, my cells growing plump. I don't think I have ever felt this large before. I'm not kidding. The scale puts me at 96 pounds but I might as well be twice that.
Putting clothes on, bathing, using lotion; these acts are terrifying for me because I have to deal with my body. I can't bear it. My waist measures 23.75 inches. My thighs are up to 18.75 inches. Everything is getting bigger.
Increasing protein was a huge mistake! I tried to increase fat and take a flax supplement thinking it would take care of my fat soluble vitamin deficiencies, but no. I'm not absorbing the nutrients, not absorbing / metabolizing fats properly and it's fucking me up. It's fucking everything up.
I can't find work. My mortgage is one month behind. My son is fucked up. My daughter needs me. A married man has the hots for me. My friend is dying. I haven't been laid for almost two years. I told two people about my brother molesting me. My electricity is in danger of being shut off. I have a bench warrant for not paying a parking ticket. Et cetera.
If I can't control my fucking food issue, then what business do I have trying to control anything?
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