Wednesday, April 27, 2011

THIS IS HOW I FEEL


effing cheese cracker nightmare



The past 24 hours has been kind of messed up, ED-wise. I woke in the middle of the night and ate a bunch of crackers, cheez its to be exact. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I went to barf.

A Cheez-It cracker, shown near actual size on ...Yeah. Ever try to purge that crap? Cheez its become a solid lump of fat and carbs impenetrable by most substances once they've been chewed and swallowed. Normally, if I wanted that sweet, cheesy, salty, fatty snack, I'd spit out what I'd chewed. But during a zombie binge, forget it. For an hour I tried to get all of it out of me. Water, water, water, purge, purge, purge. Needless to say, very little made it into the toilet.

In a panic, because I was feeling like a whale, I took three, only three, laxies. Here's the messed up part. I didn't really remember what I'd done until I was getting out of bed and doubled over with stomach pain. Silly me. I can't take laxatives! They kill me.

Immediately, I felt a need to throw up. Like watering mouth and nausea, not like a purge. Grr. My morning was stained by this. I didn't get my daughter off to school. (Which ended up being ok because she's ill.) Within a hour I was on the toilet and have been off and on the toilet all freaking day. I've had nothing to eat because the evil cheez it experience used all 800 cals. AND I could only manage 30 minutes of working out.

Fuck! I'd have been better off skipping the laxies, but being empty feels so good. In a twisted way, it's been worth it. I feel so much "cleaner" now.

All I know is that I'm looking forward to 800 cals of healthy food tomorrow.
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Monday, April 25, 2011

800 calorie days

I had a successful 800 calorie day yesterday and worked out for about two and a half hours. I won't be able to work out that long today, but I am planning on an 800 cal repeat.

I had air popped popcorn in the middle of the night. Yes, I do that. I wake up in a stupor and eat. Sometimes not remembering until I see evidence of it in the morning. I hate it. Anyway, I'll be starting the day with 250 calories. (I always round up.)

As far as where I am with my eating disorder...I can say this. Right now, my hair feels thick and healthy. That took a couple months to achieve. But if I have to pick between having a weight over 95 pounds and thick hair or a weight closer to 90 pounds and thin hair, I'll take the lower weight and the thinner hair.

Know what I mean?
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Sunday, April 24, 2011

ain't dead yet

Hi all. I've been away from the internet lately, but I'm managing to make my way back into things. Winter was hard, so hard. I really had myself messed up there for a while. But here I am. Ready to do it all over again.

I'm terrified to weigh myself, but I've measured. My waist has gone from 23" to 23.75". I think it's safe to assume that my entire body is covered with an extra .75" of fat.

So, I have to get rid of it. Obviously.