- fruits and veggies
- lettuces
- vinegar
- lime juice
- coffee
- soy milk
- half and half
- chicken
- popping corn
- diet pepsi (by the truckload)
Image by House Of Sims via Flickr
That much, I'm okay with. It's the other part of the list I don't want to tend to; the part with all the foods my children need to maintain good health and make meals.
Seriously, this is agonizing. Especially because I had a benzonked "binge" in the night. I ate cheese and tuna and bread. Sure, it may sound normal to some, but I don't eat cheese 360 days of the year. I think canned tuna is best for a cat and bread is something I'm loathe to ingest. I have my freaking rules, you know? These aren't new rules, but this insatiable appetite is.
What the hell? Lately, throughout the day, I've been thinking about things like adding cashews and almonds to fresh, organic peanut butter. I've been thinking about hearty soups and homemade breads.
And I'm vacant, hollow, even when I do put something in my stomach. It's not like I'm starving here. My weight yesterday was 94.5. THAT'S NOT EVEN LOW OR UNHEALTHY! But this deep hunger won't go away. I take my vitamins. It won't go away. I eat 1,000 calories. It won't go away. I fill myself with warm broth. It won't go away.
I don't feel my fullness, though I'm full. It's an ache, a burning, a void I can't fill, like I'm soulless.
Because I ate in the middle of the night, I took laxatives this morning to punish myself. If you keep up with this blog, then you know how painful it is for me to take them. The lax abuse I did as a teen harmed me in such a way that when I take them now, it floors me. My stomach will hurt so intensely that I'll be writhing on the bed. I'm sick. I'm so sick.
So I have to get to the grocery before that happens. And I don't want to go. And I want to be alone with my sickness. And I want to exercise all day long. But I have to pretend that I'm okay. I can't let my illness be my guide. I have to be responsible despite what my thoughts dictate.
This madness shall surely be the death of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment