so not into my life today

I don't feel like doing anything today. Perhaps hiding under covers with a good book would be nice, but other than that nothing appeals to me. It's not depression. Maybe it's apathy or ambivalence or whatthefuckever. I just don't care.

I'm sick of a frigging lifetime of restricting, of spending hours a day working out, of barfing almost every time I feel something akin to full and thinking about weight. I know that none of it is relevant. All these things I do are just a manifestation of a mental illness.

Image by FaceMePLS via FlickrNo matter what behavior I engage in, my weight never really changes that much. My body can't take it. You'd think I'd be able to let this go but I'm so terribly fearful of ever being fat. Thing is, I see fat as a failure and I'm already a failure. So if being afraid to fail is the issue, well, I've already done it. So what's the big?



I'm just not interested in myself or my life. I'm a lame ass cliche. With certainty I can tell you that I will never amount to much. All I'll ever have is my figure and gravity is sure to have its way with me. Ultimately, I have nothing.