Image via WikipediaThis might sound strange, but I'm starting to deeply long for my anxiety, for my OCD habits, for my behavioral status quo. In July, I started taking xanax on a regular basis. I hadn't been sleeping much; I was moody; I was getting paranoid, but it's what I'm use to.
In a way, I feel like I've been stripped of myself, stripped of my coping mechanisms. So while my anxiety has been decreased significantly, nothing else has really changed. I'm still me when I wake up every morning, but I'm me minus an essential part of my core.
Resentment fills me because I know that's why my eating is so unstable, too. I started having "problems" after I started taking benzos. That's when the night binges started, hence puking of course. Last night I did it again. I woke up half-asleep and I was starving. I ate two tortillas with peanut butter. That's all my calories for the whole day! I didn't throw up. Not only because purging peanut butter sucks, but because I didn't want to screw myself up.
If I'm not good at following my food rules, it really messes with my head. Controlling myself in the scary realm of food is my security blanket and I feel like it's been ripped away.
I won't eat for the rest of the day, but that makes no difference because it's not like I've successfully restricted; I'm just making up for last night's midnight binge. I'm still full. Love/hate. I've wanted to feel satiated but full, meh, not so much, no. No. No. NO NO NO NO NO NO!
I want to go back to what I know best.
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