Image by soundlessfall via FlickrIt's the new year. In the past 16 hours I've eaten and thrown up five times. I haven't done anything like that for more than 20 years. Is my body that freaking hungry? So hungry that I eat out of desperation only to be left flooded with guilt and repulsion. So much so that I have to get rid of what I can. Of course, barfing takes forfuckingever. I hate wasting my time like that. It's as though I think I deserve it, like a punishment.My children are away from me for the first time ever on a new year's eve/morning. I didn't go to the traditional party. This would have been the eighth year in a row at the same place with the same dear friends.
What is happening to me? My heart gets funny sometimes, but I'm taking vitamins. I cut down on speed. I'm eating poorly due to barfing. Yep, I feel like I'm in the dreaded bulimia range, though I haven't been barfing consistently for long enough of a time. Still, it's the worst feeling.
Tomorrow, well, after I sleep a bit I hope to wake with eyes and spirit a bit brighter. Things will get better...as long as I don't go fucking everything up, as usual.
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