but I haven't thrown up...D:

Image via WikipediaI'm in a crazy phase right now, still crawling out of an extended stay in BulimiaLand. Freaking disgusting. I hate when my body overrides my mental capacity to fend off hunger. What's weakened me, I think, is the wellbutrin. I've not felt so out of control since I was a teenager.

Since November I've been taking this stuff and I have been desperately hungry the entire time. I refuse to believe it's been because my body is starving. I've kept my weight above 90 pounds. Clearly, I'm not starved.

Yesterday was my last day of wellbutrin, after having cut the dose in half for a while. I'm so done with the stuff.

I haven't puked for days. I've been doing fine fasting throughout the day. It's these whacked out middle of the night, nightmare binges. Sometimes, when I wake up, I wonder what was dream and what was real. I have these grocery shopping/eating/barfing nightmares all the time lately.

Over the past four days, I've accumulated almost 2400 calories over what I allow myself. (It doesn't matter if I was the same amount under my allowance for the three days prior.) I'll do hours of cardio today, but I don't think that really rids the body of calories. The whole exercise as a means of purging is a bit too bullshitty for me. Either you've over eaten or you haven't. You can't really make up for it.

I'll do the hours of cardio anyway. It's the only time my thoughts quiet down a bit. Four hours of cardio is only going to burn about 1200 calories. I'll still be 1200 calories over. I'll fast again all day and hopefully not awaken to find myself eating in the kitchen at 3:00 a.m.

In a way, it's a relief not to puke. I'm stopping the cycle so as to slide back into an affair with my other eating disorder. This is how it goes. I never have to feel too much, never have to do too much, never have to be fully present.