At what point did being full become so bad? Hmm... You know, I actually remember the first time I felt like my hunger exceeded what I was allowed to eat.
Image by nyer82 via FlickrI was 13. My best friend and I ate not one, but two boxes of kraft mac and cheese. Because we had spent the sticky, hot, summer day swimming and babysitting, we were starving. At some point after our oh-so-healthy meal, it occurred to me that I'd had entirely too much.
Prior to that day, I never gave food a whole lot of thought, not in terms of calories anyway. What stands out is that I started to believe that there were limits to what I could have, what I had the right to have.
Presently, I can't stop obsessing (redundant, I know) about throwing up. I just really want to feel empty, empty, empty. Void. Non-existent. Desperately, I wish my brain would shut the actual fuck up. Puking isn't an option. Additionally, I haven't done it for over a week now. I hate this so, so much. Especially because I'm clueless as to what and who in the hell I am without ED behaviors to control my boundaries.
fuck it
Image by nyer82 via FlickrPrior to that day, I never gave food a whole lot of thought, not in terms of calories anyway. What stands out is that I started to believe that there were limits to what I could have, what I had the right to have.
That summer was a breaking point in so many ways; most pointedly, I was developing and feeling kind of pretty, wishing I knew how to be sexy. Then, I was molested. Go figure, einstein.
Presently, I can't stop obsessing (redundant, I know) about throwing up. I just really want to feel empty, empty, empty. Void. Non-existent. Desperately, I wish my brain would shut the actual fuck up. Puking isn't an option. Additionally, I haven't done it for over a week now. I hate this so, so much. Especially because I'm clueless as to what and who in the hell I am without ED behaviors to control my boundaries.
fuck it
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