babblin'

For the past week, I've been easing up a bit on my destructive behavior. I was so afraid that my weight would drop below the limit I'd set for myself for May. But you know what? That's bullshit in a way. Had my weight been lower than the limit, I'd have changed the rule.

Why do I occupy my time with such trivial thoughts? If I think about that for a second, it's obvious. Look at the past week in current global events. First, the Gulf oil disaster continues to get worse. Not only is marine and wildlife fucked, but people as well. Fisherman that have been out on the water helping with the "clean up" are being hospitalized left and right because of the carcinogenic chemicals that BP is dumping in the water in an effort to get the oil to sink. That's right. Sink. Long term impact is unfathomable at this point.

The political mess continues in Jamaica, as one party works in wicked ways to oust the other. Let's not forget that Haiti is still wrecked and that there have been other recent natural disasters. The Gaza strip is still ugly, as is Afghanistan and Iraq. Congress approved another $60 billion toward war spending the other day.I have no clue what else was addressed in that bill. I haven't the wherewithal to read the darned thing.

AND, people in the US continue to get more daft and unhealthy by the minute. Seriously, Americans are typically stupid. Not only are they stupid, but they are proud to be that way. They don't give a fuck about anything. Just give them their NASCAR, wrestling, monster trucks, doritos, cheetos, fritos, tostitos, soda, walmart, and Tim McGraw. I do not wonder, EVER, why important decisions are never left up to "the people."

These are some of the reasons why I find respite within the distorted thoughts provided by my eating disorder! It's like having my own little Fantasy Island. I simply escape to my little world of fucked up eating habits and excessive exercise patterns, and everything is alright.

What I really want to say is this:  my recent increase in anxiety has me so scared. I've never felt like I was nutz before. I mean, I've felt crazy, but this is nutz which is oh so much worse. What if I have some kind of late onset mental illness? OR what if it's a direct result of the sustained increase in ED behaviors? What if it's just a result of deficiencies? And if it is, why would I keep doing it to myself?

Sadly, there's always a couple pounds to lose, a pinch of fat to rid myself of, a change I need to make.

Oh, but there's a guy...And I so wish I were better at relationships. Typically they're bad before they even begin. I don't make the best choices in that department. Though this one seems safe, who knows what issues bubble under the surface. I have to wonder whether or not I'm up for learning more people lessons. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I'm looking forward to June. I'll go down to 90lbs and then I'll ease up on the destructiveness again. Or I won't. Maybe I'll lose just one pound, then one more in July. Such a bullshit game. I'm serious about not dropping below 90 though. I can't go there. I like my hair too much.