anxiety rule

Anxiety. I've long held the belief that it's created by unhealthy thought patterns, but I'm not so sure anymore. For a couple weeks now I've been having panic attacks daily. DAILY. I wake from sleep in a state of panic. What I mean by that is having a pounding heart, nervousness, lack of focus, shaking hands, etc.

There is no freaking way I can think myself into an anxious state before I've even had a chance to wake up. So what the hell is anxiety? And why can't I get rid of it? I actually went to see my doc about it, in a round about way. I had to do a barium swallow because I thought I had a hiatal hernia; my doc thought I had one, too. As it turns out, there's no hernia, which is amazing considering the years of ED abuse my poor body has taken.

The symptoms I had/have are from anxiety:  dysphagia, nausea, difficulty breathing, etc. It's never been this bad before in my life. I am literally crippled by it at times. LIKE RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

Forgive me for ranting the same rant I've ranted about before. rant. rant. motherfuggin rant!

I'm stuck at home alone. My children are with their grandmother, so I'm free to do whatever I choose. Yet, here I sit unable to go out. I'm missing another party. And I have the most incredible friends, so talented, so genuine. It's not like I have nothing to wear or have no transpo. There is no legitimate reason for me to be here now.

This may be the loneliest I've ever been and it's totally self induced or is it? What if anxiety is a physical disease? I haven't even looked into it. I'm just too freaked out by it right now. I'm scattered. Afraid. Nervous. My chest aches. I'm shaking. Thank goodness my heart is fine...I hope.

I've been taking one furosemide a day for the past few days. It's what I do when my rings get tight, but I've been taking vitamins and eating raisins to make up for the potassium loss. I just hope I'm not fucking myself up.

I wish someone would come get me, but I already turned down one friend that wanted to drive together. I think I could make it if there were someone here. I'd at least act like I had it together. Man, I'm so fucked. So so fucked.