ah, lovely denial

I am disturbingly comfortable denying myself what I need. That's a bit of an oxymoron; I know. For a moment I'm comparing myself to some people that I know; people who are needy, people who ask for help, that sort of thing. While I can appreciate their vulnerability, I can't understand why they put themselves out there.

Yesterday, I ended a fast, 46 hours. As much as I'm ready to fast again, I know I shouldn't. This should be where I stop. When I can easily see my posterior iliac crest where it joins with my sacrum, it's time to freaking stop. Adding layers of clothes won't really hide myself from me. Have I no other coping skills right now? Seriously?

I haven't opened mail in over a month. I couldn't care less about what the paper pushers have to say to me.

For some reason, I haven't paid my bills this month. I have the money and I pay my bills online in minutes, so what the fuck? What is with this pointless self sabotage? I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I need.

What I know is that I hate the hole of responsibility that I've dug myself into. I wish I could sell my house and expatriate to Mali or France or Southern Spain or Algeria. I'm so tired of living in the states; tired of TV watching, junk food eating, walmart shopping, cell phone talking, cheap clothes wearing, over-consuming, SUV driving, fat ass, lazy, ignorant, racist, close minded Americans. Gah!

These are the people I'm to turn to when I need help? Suckas can't help themselves let alone help me. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends. The lot of us tend to exist on the fringes of American society, watching in disbelief. While they can keep me company, they can't help either. The changes I need to make are so daunting, yet I need to face it alone.

Or not face it, like I'm doing. I don't need anything; not food, not love, not help, not companionship. Nothing. It's funny how through the years, being in a state of hunger became the norm for me. It's my comfort zone, where I believe I need to be. For now, I'm staying. So, I'll eat a little today, but tomorrow I'm fasting.