I'm not feeling so well. Physically I think I'm fine. It's my head, my thinking. My obsessive thoughts are most certainly interfering with my ability to be productive in my life. I can't escape my thoughts about calories, food, body image, etc.
Usually, those thoughts are in the background. I can't take it when they're in the forefront. I simply can't. Sadly, the only things that quiet my mind are intense physical activity and absence of food. Talk about a recipe for disaster.
Geezus. To think there are people who want an eating disorder.
I'm seriously bumming out. I have an appointment with my pcp today. It's a follow up for a barium swallow I recently did to investigate my dysphagia. My aversion to swallowing food and becoming nauseated when I eat is totally psychological. Of that, I'm certain. She had me do the test anyway.
For the first time in years, I'm dreading my doctors appointment. I'm wishing that I wasn't so completely active in my ED so I could just go and be my normal self.
Fug. If I could sleep through this day, I would.
Went to my appointment. My doc wasn't there. She canceled. If I would have checked my messages I would have known that she had done so a couple days ago. Oops. It's a blessing in disguise.
ReplyDeleteGweni doesn't matter if I'm home or enjoying a vacation. My thoughts are completely consumed as well. Barely ate all week. Drank though. I try to grasp how others exist without all consuming thoughts. It's me. It's my OCD . No one can truly understand. Don't even know what I would think of If there was no eating disorder.
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