mother of all triggers

Geesus. The fact that I'm giving this post this title is concerning to me. As if any single event, or series or events can give rise to such an intense reaction. Especially after I've worked and worked on it.

My day, May 5, has been a nightmare in so many ways. For most of it, I was in a state of panic. I assumed it was because I ate peanut butter yesterday. So, I rode my bike for hours. I did yard work, laundry, cooked dinner, taught my son, counseled my daughter, refereed their early evening battle, and even managed to make it to the store for milk. I stayed so busy.

As I went through the motions, I counted yesterdays calories and the breakdown of the content of those calories over and over. I kept trying to figure out a way to get out of what I'd done. How would I ever get my fat intake to balance out and get back to the 10 to 15 grams I allow each day (if that)? Like an unexpected power surge, I had a panic attack this afternoon. At that point, I was near certain that I'd crossed the line, that it wouldn't be long before I was treatment bound because I'd lost my ED mojo.

Then, shortly before midnight, it hit me. Today was a wedding anniversary, my second marriage. The marriage that never got off the ground. As soon as the dude realized that I had no intention of putting my house in his name, he split. Of course that wasn't before he'd wasted three years of my life laying the groundwork, getting me to quit my job (so I could focus on my "real career"), isolating me away from friends, cleaning out my savings, destroying my car, etc.

The fucktard even tried to physically abuse me. After that, I told him not to come back until he got help. Like a strong and stable guy, he threatened to commit suicide. For that, I 302'd his ass (had him committed in an institution).

Some people talk about forgiveness as being essential to moving forward with our lives. Bull. Shit. You don't have to forgive people. To me it sounds like a catholic priest motto, "Forgive and forget, boys. Forgive and forget."  Perhaps it is beneficial to forgive ourselves for the choices we make as we move through our life lessons; however, I feel no sense of obligation to forgive the individuals who have tried their darnedest to make me fall.

Whether or not I forgive them, interactions and intense memories will still be triggers because of the things that have already happened. I will not feel guilty for it. The only thing I can do is to reach out for support, and that's what I ended up doing today both online and IRL. Thank god for the good people.