bite me, dysmorphia

On this shittiest of shitty days, I've had a total of 230 calories. Obviously, this isn't much. I spent two hours on my bike today, which should have burned over 500 calories. How is it possible for me to feel this incredibly large?

I've done everything I could possibly think of to prove to my psyche that I am not expanding to an unusual size; yet, the feeling remains. It's fascinating, really. There seems to be nothing I can do to make this go away. Nothing.

Of course, running parallel to the body dysmorphia is an intense set of emotions. The emotions don't seem to go away either. I've settled in to such an uncomfortable time in my life. I don't want to be here now.

Am I trying to make myself sick or what? It all seems out of control and it is. Life is chaos.

I just want a break.

I want to know what size I really am, not what I feel like.

I want to know:  Where do I fit in?