lost

One might assume that everyone with an ED wants to lose a lot of weight. I can assure you; however, that that's not always the case. I weighed myself today for the first time in a couple of weeks. I'm two and a half pounds lower than last time. Sure, I liked what I saw. At the same time, I got a little freaked out. What I weigh now is what I was planning on weighing by the end of May.

You see, it's not like I need to lose weight. I don't. I just feel like I'm out of choices. I don't know if I can explain. If I keep losing, I'll be putting things in jeopardy. If I keep losing, I don't know whether or not I'll be able to stop without damaging my life as I know it. I don't worry about my health necessarily. I worry more about my responsibilities.

I was first hospitalized for anorexia 23 years ago, so I can't claim that I don't know any better, for I know full well what I'm doing.  At the end of March, I decided that I wanted to lose four to six pounds. That's all. I should be patting myself on the back, saying good job. I did it. I'm back to my normal weight, 94-95 pounds. It's not enough though. I'm not done obsessing over it yet.

When I am done, when I do reach "that goal" weight, it's over. That's why I can never reach a goal, not until I'm ready to handle the dumb ass decisions I've made in my life. I'm so NOT ready to deal with my shit. It's going to take a flipping miracle to get me out of this, but going hungry is more realistic than getting a miracle. I'm simply making the best possible choice I can at the moment.