I was going to post a picture or two of myself in the PAO forum today. I thought it'd be good for people to be able to put a face to the name. So, I took a couple shots. Then I took a couple more. In every one, I am a cow. In every one, my bones, my muscle, my tendons, my skin, my self; it's too much. It's all too much. I'm too much.
Usually, I'm content to be between 90 and 95 pounds. It's a tried and true comfort zone, but I'm in pretty deep this time. I'm so far out of touch with my actual physical being and so far into my distorted thinking. In a sense, I wish I wasn't aware of that. I kind of wish I believed everything I think or that I wasn't quite so discerning with what messages get through.
Scary thing is, I sincerely believe I'm really large right now. The scale, my clothes, my measurements, the things that should be touchstones are nothing but a vague reference to a conspiracy, some sick lie. I hate this right now. I'm crawling out of my freaking skin.
I'm on my own with this. It's not a performance, a plea for attention. There isn't anyone who'll scoop me up if I start getting ill, no one coming to my rescue. No parents. No boyfriend. Only me and I'm a bit sick in the head currently. This can be so dangerous. I mustn't get carried away with my ED crazy.
Don't let me get carried away...
Hey Gweni,
ReplyDeleteStay strong within your comfort zone of 90-95! Do not slip through! You are perfect as you are! Although I didn't see your pictures, I can see how great and supportive of a person you are. As you know, in perfect body lives perfect spirit;) Of course, it's sad not to have a support group of parents and/or boyfriend on your side... but, you know, often their excessive concern may hurt more than help... You have yourself and you are strong! You have us, virtual community, too. If you need more support, I personally found that the "third party", like a councelor, was way more helpful than family (someone who you pay for services won't judge you later)
Notice where I went to when I needed support and help.
ReplyDeleteGweni
ReplyDeleteyou musn't believe that. I would give my right arm to weigh 95 lbs. Im so sorry you feel this way. I love your blog. It's my thoughts inside that I can't express. I won't let you get too deep. Your skinny I am sure. you must be. My 10 year old weighs 80 lbs. You are a grown woman. Your beautiful inside. I'm sure as well outside.
Eve and Denise,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for posting your thoughts. I'm thankful every day for the connection we've made. Thanks for being consistently supportive and never judgmental.
xo
gweni
Hi Gweni
ReplyDeleteI really know how you feel but its really a lie.I know your ED tells you that you are fat but don't belive it you are beatiful. Be proud of yourself. Your a fantastic, loveing and kind person who i'm glad to know to. I know that you have really problems and you are not doing this for attention and i can't say how sad i feel that all the pain inside prevents you from seeing your beauty. Trust me you are strong and beautiful.