to work or not to work

I so don't know what the fuck I'm doing lately. My avoidance of reality is going to blow up on me. I can make it three more months on my savings and then what? Something a lot of people don't realize is how hard it is to come up from under. I'll attempt to explain.

How often do you hear, from the media or in casual conversation, about the problem of social welfare benefits? You know, the programs that are in place to help people through hard times? It seems that these benefits are easy to receive and that the system is abused by lazy urbanites who refuse to work. (Because we all know how large you be livin on welfare.) These common and ignorant beliefs couldn't be further from the truth.

Truth. Single mothers make up the highest percentage of welfare recipients. Chances are, they're getting medical coverage for their children and food stamps, not cash as the media would have you believe. Now, I qualify for the medical and foodies. The moment I start working again, I can kiss that goodbye. If I earn $50 in one month, I'll no longer have medical and the food stamp amount will decrease significantly. Fifty dollars earned and I'm done. Also, when I return to work - and this is post traumatic injury mind you - I'll be paying for child care. The child care costs will eat one third of my pay. That's ONE THIRD OF MY PAY. To start working would demean my logic. I'm better off staying unemployed. A quick calculation of the numbers proves that point.

Think about it if you want to. I'm not going out of my way to explain the personal and social impact of this, but I will ask the questions:  Why would a system be set up that way? Why make it impossible for people to help themselves? Who benefits from such failures? And why have I chosen to challenge our culture this way?

I didn't have to choose poverty; however, my conscience prevents me from pursuing financial and material gain. I've said that a million times. What did wealth get my parents? They're old, lost and vacant, searching for meaning like teenage intellectuals.

I'm so torn. I seriously don't know what to do anymore. Then, there's this fecking ED in the background, sometimes in the foreground, and it's not helping my concentration or my decision making prowess. I am not a believer in fate, nor do I have faith in anything, except chaos. It's not like I'm going to pray my way out of this or hope for something. I may as well be making a 11:11 wish; it's the same damn thing.

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