Why is it that no matter what I weigh, I feel that I have the same amount of excess flesh? Humor me. Cause I know I'm sick in the head. I don't understand how that works though. Where is the disconnect between mind and body? And how can I reconnect them?
There was a moment in May when I felt small and it felt so fucking good. My weight hasn't changed, so why do I feel so damn large? My clothes fit the same way; my muscles look the same way, but I feel awful.
My insanity urges me to bust out the razor blade I keep hidden under a jewelry box on my dresser; to slice into my forearms with it; to throw up anything I eat; to find some meth; to fast; to add a few hundred calories to my food log just to be sure. My friggin insanity is causing such turmoil in my thoughts right now. It is relentless.
I would love to have a zen mind. Instead I'll look to other ED freaks (like me) for support online. The beautiful thing is that I'll find it. Understanding and love is a couple tweets or an email away.
Real life doesn't offer that. For support in real life, I'd have to call a therapist or go to a cheezy group sesh. In real life, I face my ED alone. All the feelings of hugeness that I'm experiencing would be solely mine.
I'm so thankful for the ED women and men I've encountered online. If nothing else, I know I have people out there that I can lean on, who can honestly empathize with what I go through.
I may feel fat as hell today, but I'm also feeling quite grateful. Thanks to all of you. :)
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