I'm stuck

I neither want to gain weight, nor do I have the will to lose more right now. It's June 20th. My plan was to be 90 by the end of the month. Obviously, I can do it, but will I? And what prevents me from getting to the goal I've set for myself?

I've been puking quite a bit lately, which for me is a couple times in a week. Sometimes there's a "binge" and sometimes not. Though I doubt I start doing it all the time, I do fear it. Bulimia is one of the most frightening mental illnesses. If I keep going like this, I'll be bulimic in a matter of weeks. No thank you. I'd rather deal with whatever issue is clawing at me.

I wish I could explain what I'm doing because I don't really know. I get in the way of my understanding. Can it really have so much to do with anxiety and my interpersonal relationships? There's so much I don't know how to do anymore. My relationship with my children has been better than it is now. I can say the same for my friendships and as for the guy I like, well...I need to let that go. (even though we had the best time last weekend)

I've been feeling like my friends are starting to blow me off because I never make it to the things I'm invited to. I need to let them know about my anxiety and how much it means to me to get invites. I need to ask for help to get out of the house. And I need to ask for help to ditch these two pounds. What did I do in April and why haven't I the strength to do it again?

All I want to do is eat, but fullness is awful, so I end up not keeping it down. My body isn't so keen on barfing anymore. Each time I do it I'm afraid and wonder if I'll end up like the chick in that famous picture (all dead by the toilet) or like Brittany Murphy (dead with puke all over the bathroom). Bulimia is evil. I don't want to go this way.

Not that I can never puke, just not a couple to a few times a week. My waist would go from 23" to 25" in no time. No bulimia. No. No. No.

So if anyone wants to encourage me to lose two pounds, great. We can keep each other on track. D - where are you?

xo