fade away

I've just about had enough of this stupid, demeaning life. This place isn't for me. Somehow I got stuck on this planet and I really want to go now. (NO I'm not suicidal; I'm expressing myself. It's therapeutic.)

Tonight, during a wicked storm, I sat on the stairs just outside my bedroom. My chest felt like it was being ripped apart. The pain I carry within me day to day is unbearable. And I thought, how appropriate that I let myself go hungry in order to cope. Maybe it's time that I go through with it. I mean, really let my body starve past a point of recovery. I cried and cried.

It used to be that thinking of the love I have for my children was enough to pull me out of anything too unhealthy, but now it's not enough. They're older. They'd be alright. Regardless, they'll be hurt by me. I'm going to fuck it all up anyway.

I'm so, so tired. I can't pick myself up anymore, can't save myself from harm either. No matter what, I'm going to get hurt. Since that's the case, I'll inflict my own pain by isolating myself and neglecting myself. If I were to die, it wouldn't even be considered suicide so there would be no stigma for the kids to deal with...other than being motherless.

I don't belong on this cruel planet. I don't belong in a lowly world where people kowtow to the automobile and the culture that surrounds it - which is all of US culture. I don't belong in a place where one in four women is raped. I don't deserve to live in a state of hypervigilance. I shouldn't...nevermind.

Fuck. I've never been this lost in all my life. Or if I was, at least I was backpacking all over Europe and the US looking for alternatives, for happiness, for escape. I don't do anything anymore. I'm fucking stuck at home trying to raise two children on my own. Sometimes I wish I hadn't grown up with money. Maybe I wouldn't insist on being a stay at home mother.

Fuck. There is so much I think I'm above doing, things that go against my personal morality, like slaving away my time to acquire luxury, material possessions. At the same time, I'm not above dining with a bunch of homeless people, wearing used clothes or using food stamps to purchase groceries. I'm not above doing pro bono work or hanging out in the projects. I'm blathering. I apologize.

I'm fucked. I'm sick of the pain. I'm so, so tired from the constant hurting. I just want to fade away..........