4:09 am

And I'm still awake. This is my usual routine. Sometimes I try to go to bed earlier. You know, give it a go. When I do manage to fall asleep, it's only for a short time. Nearly every night, I'm just waiting for it to be over; waiting for the sun to rise with it's guarantee of safety.

I suppose that it's a PTSD thing since fear is at the base of the behavior. Not surprisingly my behavior has worsened since my dog died. Everyone was afraid of him, unless they knew him of course. For so long he protected me and the children. Now, my paranoia has increased. A lot.

For the past three nights someone has left my gate open. I'm almost certain that it's my stalker. God I hate that creepy dude. Fuck! Why are so many men so god damned smarmy? Have they no self respect?

I hate being stared at, noticed, smiled at, pursued. Hate it. My kids notice it even more than I do. I've learned to put on blinders to a certain extent. I don't acknowledge people on purpose, don't make eye contact. I don't wear revealing clothes, don't flaunt myself. I'M NOT TRYING TO ENCOURAGE ANYONE TO TAKE AN INTEREST IN ME or FOLLOW ME AROUND or SPY ON ME or BREAK INTO MY HOUSE WHEN I'M NOT HERE!

It's so fucked up. Yesterday, my son flipped off a guy that was staring at me. Because I'm outspoken on such matters, he knows that it bothers me. If I'm going to be honest here I have to say that my kids knew about the stalking. For their own safety they needed to know what was happening. Essentially then, when I was stalked they too were stalked. My fear and struggle for empowerment was theirs to bear witness to, to learn from.

In a way, this is no different than being afraid of the dark. The threat isn't necessarily real. Every time I return from an outing I check the house, discreetly. Like I'll take clean laundry to the children's rooms, attend to more laundry in the basement and so on. I don't want the kids to pick up on the fact that I'm "looking under the beds."  I don't want them to have my fears. Simultaneously, I don't want them to be daft and unaware. I just don't want them to get hurt.

I'm so tired and the sun won't peek out yet. My chest (heart) hurts, like a slight burning ache. All I can think is 'please let us be safe, please let us be safe.'  Thinking like a victim.

Man, this post is all over the place. Oh well.