With a body full of adrenaline and panic, I face this day. Quite honestly, I'd rather not exist. I'm suppose to go to therapy this afternoon. Usually, I go...usually, except last week. I ditched.
The last time I went to therapy I told my talk-to-dude that we'd reached a rubicon. At least I had. I'm at the part with him where he knows enough about my shit to make a judgement about me, so I assume that he will come to the same conclusion that I've come to: I'm evil and bad. Rotten. Damaged. Disposable. So, I told him all of this and I haven't been back.
I do this with all of my relationships. For a time, I'll let a person get to know me a little bit. When I'm pretty sure that to tell them any more about myself will lead to rejection, I back away. I make a shitty friend, but I'm a great acquaintance.
To others, it's not really fair. Because I'm trustworthy, I know so many people's secrets. Not one person knows all of mine, not even most of mine. I spread them out, the few I tell. Even with my I'm-a-basket-case team. The shrink gets some information that my talk-to-guy isn't privy to just yet. The exchange of confidences in friendship is kind of important, so I choose to avoid intimate friendships as much as I can.
I don't need the stress, the inconvenience, the gossip or the rejection. This I can trace back to ninth grade. Dancer, cheerleader, advanced placement student, popular girl...victim of rape, psychological abuse, molestation, incest...I walked away from everyone before they could walk away from me. Surely, if anyone would have found out, I'd have been toast. About this, I have not changed my mind. So, I'm still walking away and my loyal demons follow me everywhere.
I was having very similar thoughts today Gweni..I know exactly what you mean.. especially with walking away, secrets, friendships..not to mention identical grade 9 portfolios..
ReplyDeletekeep your head up xxo
Thanks. It's a crappy common ground we share, but it beats silence. If you ever need to vent, I'm around.
ReplyDeletexo
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