I'm not sure how I feel about this. Yesterday, I saw my shrink. He is so cute by the way. Usually, I won't see a male doc, but this dude is alright. And cute. Man cute, not boyish. Sigh. Anyway, we're talking about whatever and I ask him if I'm a bonafide nutcase, not necessarily in those terms.
Image by Zero1o1 via Flickr He knows my history, knows about my eating disorder, knows about the anxiety, attention problems, lack of focus, paranoia, confusion, insomnia; I've been honest with him. So I put it out there, my biggest fear, that of being certifiably insane for life. I asked about a diagnosis and whether or not he thought I should apply for SSI.He smiled. He fucking smiled and he said, 'Dude, (He didn't really call me dude, but...) dude, you're not insane. The symptoms you're having are a result of tremendous and continuous stress. So, no. You're not whacked in the head and not stuck like this for the rest of your life.' (Uh, he didn't really say it like that, but you get it.)
Talk about a shift in self perception. I'd been so afraid to ask, as though I were about to open one of those PETA friendly rat traps and let loose a nasty little beast. Secretly, I wish I could be bonafide nutso. Then, I'd be let off the hook! I wouldn't be held accountable for nearly as much as I am now. So, in a way, I'm like, 'SHIT! Now what?'
I should probably...wait for it...lose a couple pounds. It's a brilliant idea. o_O Rather than come up with a plan to get my shit together, I will become strategist numero uno in weight loss. Here's the thing: the results of my blood tests are beautiful. Taking vitamins and supplements regularly has totally paid off. For the first time, I'm neither anemic nor am I B12 deficient. I'm not deficient in anything.
News like this only encourages me. I don't have to put any weight on, even though I'm considered to be at an anorexic weight; I'm perfectly healthy. If I can be this healthy with a 16.2? .4? .6?, whatever it is right now, then I can be healthy at a lower BMI. My body likes it. My body can take it. So, I'm not afraid to go below 90 pounds now. I have a goal.
And he said I'm not insane. ... How can that be?
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