make believe there's no ED

I'm pretending that I don't have an eating disorder today. In fact, I've been pretending for a few days. Frankly, I'm more cuckoo when I don't act on it because my thoughts about weight, food and exercise quadruple. If I'm just not eating or I restrict and I'm exercising the way I like to, I'm so much calmer.

I've been taking in at least 1000 calories a day. Honestly, it feels crappy...in my head, I guess. Perhaps I haven't gotten larger, though I feel, or at least I think I feel, like I have. It's a bit terrifying really.

Somehow, I have to keep doing this though. There are clothes I refuse to wear currently, but I'm not going to get into detail. I should be worrying about my bills, not my size. I should be worried about winterizing my house, not my size. Dig what I'm saying?

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