but I haven't thrown up...D:

Image via WikipediaI'm in a crazy phase right now, still crawling out of an extended stay in BulimiaLand. Freaking disgusting. I hate when my body overrides my mental capacity to fend off hunger. What's weakened me, I think, is the wellbutrin. I've not felt so out of control since I was a teenager.

Since November I've been taking this stuff and I have been desperately hungry the entire time. I refuse to believe it's been because my body is starving. I've kept my weight above 90 pounds. Clearly, I'm not starved.

Yesterday was my last day of wellbutrin, after having cut the dose in half for a while. I'm so done with the stuff.

I haven't puked for days. I've been doing fine fasting throughout the day. It's these whacked out middle of the night, nightmare binges. Sometimes, when I wake up, I wonder what was dream and what was real. I have these grocery shopping/eating/barfing nightmares all the time lately.

Over the past four days, I've accumulated almost 2400 calories over what I allow myself. (It doesn't matter if I was the same amount under my allowance for the three days prior.) I'll do hours of cardio today, but I don't think that really rids the body of calories. The whole exercise as a means of purging is a bit too bullshitty for me. Either you've over eaten or you haven't. You can't really make up for it.

I'll do the hours of cardio anyway. It's the only time my thoughts quiet down a bit. Four hours of cardio is only going to burn about 1200 calories. I'll still be 1200 calories over. I'll fast again all day and hopefully not awaken to find myself eating in the kitchen at 3:00 a.m.

In a way, it's a relief not to puke. I'm stopping the cycle so as to slide back into an affair with my other eating disorder. This is how it goes. I never have to feel too much, never have to do too much, never have to be fully present.

obsess much?

I spent four hours doing cardio today and another 30 minutes doing strengthening stuff and stretching. I had to. Not only did I have my house all to myself, but I had a zombie binge last night and I had to balance that out.

Zombie binge included whole wheat tortillas, peanut butter, yogurt, and some pretzels dipped in sour cream. This behavior makes me wish I could take something that knocked me completely out at night instead of knocking me somewhat out.

I'm getting off wellbutrin; a wee bit too much dopamine action for me. If I want to feel doped up, I'll go right to opioids. I don't need to mess with the phychotropics. Though I have to admit, I still want adderall or provigil.

I feel so gross right now and just want to get out of this stupid body. I still weigh 95, no thanks to the middle of the night food fest.I hope to return to "normal" (90-92) once the wellbutrin is out of my bod.

Related articles

• What is meant by obsessive compulsive disorder (wiki.answers.com)
• Exploring the History of Bulimia (brighthub.com)
• What is Exercise Bulimia? (brighthub.com)

newfound respect for overweight people?

Image via WikipediaThis morning at the grocery store, I noticed an overweight girl as she shopped. She was nicely dressed, clean, looked like she was a college student. I first noticed her in the produce section carefully choosing fresh fruit and veggies. Also, I saw her in other isles. We were going through the store at pretty much the same pace.

What stood out to me was the careful consideration she was putting into each item she chose, reading labels and such, really taking her time. Clearly, she was trying to make good food choices, but man! It's no simple task.

I take for granted the years of experience I have with nutrition awareness. I can't imagine growing up in a home where healthy food wasn't provided, being on my own for the first time, being overweight and trying to figure out what to do about it.

If you're on a tight budget, it's even harder. The less expensive foods are pure shit, I'm learning. As my food budget shrinks, I'm highly aware of the price hikes, the shrinking of packaging and the contents within. The cheap foods are full of fillers and preservatives, sugars and high sodium. Though they provides calories, they skimp on actual nutrition and when your body doesn't get the nutrients it needs, your hunger increases.

Usually, out of fear for my own loss of control, I'm highly critical of obese people, but that young woman today, she opened my eyes a bit more to the struggle faced by so many individuals. It's time we, as consumers, demand adequate nutrition in foods and reasonable prices. That way, people could stop buying crappy foods and nourish themselves properly.

Related articles

• Overweight Young Adults and Social Clusters (diet-blog.com)
• Should I do something about my overweight niece? (mirror.co.uk)
• Countries with The Most Overweight People (socyberty.com)

95 lbs, getting closer to the safe zone

It won't be much longer before I can stop panicking about poundage. I'm restricting though not really. I'm keeping to about 900 calories. And I'm freezing!!! It's like -A- degree outside.

95.5 today

Thank freaking god. I don't think daily weighing is necessarily healthy, but until I'm at peace with my weight, I'm doing it.

Hunger feels good today, like I'm in charge. It's a control thing you probably already understand.

losertown time! yay!

Alrightie. Cleaning up my act a little, now. To commemorate a shift away from barfing once a day, I decided to pay a visit to losertown! Here are the specs if I do 900 calories a day and maintain my usual workouts. I think 900 is way plenty; it tends to be my intake status quo when I'm not barfing. 


In two weeks, I'll be a bit happier. In four weeks, my weight will be acceptable again. In five weeks, I can slow it down a bit. One, two, three, let's GO!

But I know that you know that I know that...

Image by suizilla via Flickr

a brilliant fake letter will help me :\

Here's how messed up I am. I faked a letter to myself from a medical research group in order to "legally" and seriously restrict around my kids for the next few weeks. My brilliant thought was that I'd put it on the fridge. At present, this letter is in my back pocket. Of course I folded it into three, you know, like you do with a letter. The letter says...and I did a letterhead and everything (um, yeah, what the fuck?).

Image by x-ray delta one via Flickr

The letter says,

You have enrolled in the following study:
I/O Study - Relationship Between Certain Medications and Nutrition. You will receive compensation upon completion of the entire study. Should medical issues arise please contact your approved physician or dial 911 in the case of an emergency. In order to receive full compensation the following rules must be adhered to:

I/O Study Part 1

• to last no less than seven days, no more than fifteen days
• beverages permitted include water, tea, coffee, sugar free drinks, no alcohol
• take medicine as prescribed
• maximum of 500 kcalories daily
• chart I/O and physical reactions using online resource provided

I/O Study Part 2

• to last no less than 48 hours, no more than 96 hours
• only  beverages permitted (include water, tea, coffee, sugar free drinks)
• take medicine as prescribed
• chart I/O and physical reactions using online resource provided

I/O Study Part 3

• to last no less than seven days, no more than fifteen days
• beverages permitted include water, tea, coffee, sugar free drinks, no alcohol
• take medicine as prescribed
• maximum of 1500 kcalories daily
• chart I/O and physical reactions using online resource provided

I/O Study Part 4

• to last no less than seven days, no more than fifteen days
• take medicine as prescribed
• no limitations on kcalories
• chart I/O and physical reactions using online resource provided

Thank you for participating in I/O Study - Relationship Between Certain Medications and Nutrition. We value your willingness to be part of our important research program(s).

Thom Silcin, PhD, MSW
Research Coordinator

I thought I'd do parts one and two over and over. How fucking insane is that? Doing this has nothing to do with my children other than sucking them into my insanity. I already restrict. If I binge and purge it's after they've gone to bed. Why would I want them to monitor my eating? It's so sick.

This dumb ass letter is an attempt to restore order where there is none. This letter is about my reaction to my weight going up a few pounds. This letter is my illness manifest on paper. Though I won't put it on the fridge or anywhere else, it'll serve as a reminder that I'm sick in the head.

so not into my life today

I don't feel like doing anything today. Perhaps hiding under covers with a good book would be nice, but other than that nothing appeals to me. It's not depression. Maybe it's apathy or ambivalence or whatthefuckever. I just don't care.

I'm sick of a frigging lifetime of restricting, of spending hours a day working out, of barfing almost every time I feel something akin to full and thinking about weight. I know that none of it is relevant. All these things I do are just a manifestation of a mental illness.

Image by FaceMePLS via FlickrNo matter what behavior I engage in, my weight never really changes that much. My body can't take it. You'd think I'd be able to let this go but I'm so terribly fearful of ever being fat. Thing is, I see fat as a failure and I'm already a failure. So if being afraid to fail is the issue, well, I've already done it. So what's the big?



I'm just not interested in myself or my life. I'm a lame ass cliche. With certainty I can tell you that I will never amount to much. All I'll ever have is my figure and gravity is sure to have its way with me. Ultimately, I have nothing.

benzolicious, actually not

Image via Wikipedia

This might sound strange, but I'm starting to deeply long for my anxiety, for my OCD habits, for my behavioral status quo. In July, I started taking xanax on a regular basis. I hadn't been sleeping much; I was moody; I was getting paranoid, but it's what I'm use to.

In a way, I feel like I've been stripped of myself, stripped of my coping mechanisms. So while my anxiety has been decreased significantly, nothing else has really changed. I'm still me when I wake up every morning, but I'm me minus an essential part of my core.



Resentment fills me because I know that's why my eating is so unstable, too. I started having "problems" after I started taking benzos. That's when the night binges started, hence puking of course. Last night I did it again. I woke up half-asleep and I was starving. I ate two tortillas with peanut butter. That's all my calories for the whole day! I didn't throw up. Not only because purging peanut butter sucks, but because I didn't want to screw myself up.

If I'm not good at following my food rules, it really messes with my head. Controlling myself in the scary realm of food is my security blanket and I feel like it's been ripped away.

I won't eat for the rest of the day, but that makes no difference because it's not like I've successfully restricted; I'm just making up for last night's midnight binge. I'm still full. Love/hate. I've wanted to feel satiated but full, meh, not so much, no. No. No. NO NO NO NO NO NO!

I want to go back to what I know best.

PAO's 2010 Eating Disorder Blog of the Year Award

A big thank you to Skinny, diva extraordinaire at PAO, for giving me the 2010 Eating Disorder Blog of the Year Award. You really give a lot to the ED community, Skinny. I'll proudly put this badge on my blog. ;)

grocery store

I'm sitting in my kitchen in a state of mild panic. The grocery list sits to my left, scribbled, unfinished.

Image by House Of Sims via Flickr
• fruits and veggies       
• lettuces
• vinegar
• lime juice
• coffee
• soy milk
• half and half
• chicken
• popping corn
• diet pepsi (by the truckload)

That much, I'm okay with.  It's the other part of the list I don't want to tend to; the part with all the foods my children need to maintain good health and make meals.

Seriously, this is agonizing. Especially because I had a benzonked "binge" in the night. I ate cheese and tuna and bread. Sure, it may sound normal to some, but I don't eat cheese 360 days of the year. I think canned tuna is best for a cat and bread is something I'm loathe to ingest. I have my freaking rules, you know? These aren't new rules, but this insatiable appetite is.

What the hell? Lately, throughout the day, I've been thinking about things like adding cashews and almonds to fresh, organic peanut butter. I've been thinking about hearty soups and homemade breads.

And I'm vacant, hollow, even when I do put something in my stomach. It's not like I'm starving here. My weight yesterday was 94.5. THAT'S NOT EVEN LOW OR UNHEALTHY! But this deep hunger won't  go away. I take my vitamins. It won't go away. I eat 1,000 calories. It won't go away. I fill myself with warm broth. It won't go away.

I don't feel my fullness, though I'm full. It's an ache, a burning, a void I can't fill, like I'm soulless.

Because I ate in the middle of the night, I took laxatives this morning to punish myself. If you keep up with this blog, then you know how painful it is for me to take them. The lax abuse I did as a teen harmed me in such a way that when I take them now, it floors me. My stomach will hurt so intensely that I'll be writhing on the bed. I'm sick. I'm so sick.

So I have to get to the grocery before that happens. And I don't want to go. And I want to be alone with my sickness. And I want to exercise all day long. But I have to pretend that I'm okay. I can't let my illness be my guide. I have to be responsible despite what my thoughts dictate.

This madness shall surely be the death of me.

Related articles

• Health Tip: Prepare for Grocery Shopping (nlm.nih.gov)
• Grocery Stores Erect Fake "Farmer's Markets" in Parking Lots To Trick Shoppers (barbaradiamond.blogspot.com)
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Anorexic French Model Isabelle Caro Dead

Rest in Peace

        Article by By Gil Kaufman

Anorexic French Model Isabelle Caro Dead

Though she died last month, the world is just now learning about the passing of French model Isabelle Caro. The 28-year-old Caro bravely became the face of eating disorders in 2007 when she appeared in a shocking billboard campaign warning of the dangers of anorexia during fashion week in Italy. In the ads, a painfully thin Caro, who weighed less than 60 pounds at the time, was depicted peering over her shoulder with the words "No. Anorexia" plastered in large letters across the top of the nude image.

Caro became one of the leaders of an effort to warn about the dangers of eating disorders, but after the health effects of the disorder weakened her body, she died on November 17 following a long sickness, according to her acting coach, E! News reported.

Caro said in interviews that she had suffered from anorexia nervosa since she was 13, telling CBS News in 2007 that she agreed to do the ad because "I said if I can put my years of suffering to good use then it will not have been pointless. ... I know it's a shocking photo, and I want it to shock. It's really a warning that it is a serious illness."

In addition to working as a judge on "France's Next Top Model," Caro was featured in the second episode of Jessica Simpson's VH1 reality series "The Price of Beauty," in which the singer traveled the globe to uncover the lengths to which women go to attain what society believes is perfection. Caro's appearance on the show brought Simpson to tears. "What you are doing right now makes you more beautiful and I hope women all over the world hear about the story," Simpson told Caro on the show, during which the model described how even as a teenager who weighed just 89 pounds she was told she needed to lose weight. "To us, what you're doing right now makes you one of the most beautiful people that we have ever seen. And we really just appreciate you sitting in front of us and having such powerful words. God bless you. ... And I think it's important for women to know that the skinnier you are doesn't make you more beautiful."

Despite her disturbing image in the 2007 ad, Caro worried that some anorexia sufferers (sometimes known as pro-ana for their support of anorexia as a lifestyle choice) might misinterpret her message. "I hope not. To see my tailbone like an open wound, I show myself as I am. I'm not beautiful, my hair is ruined and I know I will never have long hair again. I've lost several teeth," she said of her looks on the billboard. "My skin is dry. My breasts have fallen. No young girl wants to look like a skeleton. ... You couldn't believe anyone would want to look like that. I don't think there's any question about it."

Related articles

• Anorexic Model Isabelle Caro Dies at 28 (seattlepi.com)
• Anorexic model Isabelle Caro dead at 28! (pinkbananaworld.com)

binging, barfing and bringing in the new year

Image by soundlessfall via FlickrIt's the new year. In the past 16 hours I've eaten and thrown up five times. I haven't done anything like that for more than 20 years. Is my body that freaking hungry? So hungry that I eat out of desperation only to be left flooded with guilt and repulsion. So much so that I have to get rid of what I can. Of course, barfing takes forfuckingever. I hate wasting my time like that. It's as though I think I deserve it, like a punishment.

My children are away from me for the first time ever on a new year's eve/morning. I didn't go to the traditional party. This would have been the eighth year in a row at the same place with the same dear friends.

What is happening to me? My heart gets funny sometimes, but I'm taking vitamins. I cut down on speed. I'm eating poorly due to barfing. Yep, I feel like I'm in the dreaded bulimia range, though I haven't been barfing consistently for long enough of a time. Still, it's the worst feeling.

Tomorrow, well, after I sleep a bit I hope to wake with eyes and spirit a bit brighter. Things will get better...as long as I don't go fucking everything up, as usual.

Related articles

• Candace Cameron Bure: Bulimia Confession (rightcelebrity.com)
• Top Ten Facts about Teenage Bulimia (brighthub.com)
• Anorexia campaign model dies (politics.ie)