I can't do it; can't be submerged in eating disorder behavior all the time. It's like the more I chase after that feeling, the farther away I get from it. With accuracy I can tell you when I was last happy in my ED. There are times when it's a real high; it produces the best feelings.But it goes away, just like with drugs or alcohol. Why does it have to go away? Why can't it always feel good? Even if I repeat the same behaviors that produced the awesome feelings, I never seem to be able to get it back. It's not fair.
What I hope for right now is just a glimmer, a little light of hope. Something has to feel good again. There has to be something that will make me feel good again.
I did start therapy yesterday. I'll see a doc soon. I'll get benzos which is what my therapist recommends. Then maybe I can start to get a little bit of my life back. Maybe I can work toward feeling safe; something I have never really known.
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