I'm so screwed. Something about getting in that realm of 90 pounds and under really messes with me. But is it in my head or does my body really start freaking out? Man, I wish I wasn't such a psycho.
Eating, as well as getting some of my needs met, causes me to feel so enormous, so huge, so out of control. Of course this anxiety just builds and builds upon itself. There is no escape. If I eat "normally" I feel disgusting and obese. If I get too thin, I feel ill and weak.
I really wish I wasn't caught in this eating disorder whirlpool. Or if I have to be here, I wish I'd just choose exactly how I want to be so I could do it and be done with it. I already know I can't be a strong athlete and be anorexic. So why do I keep trying to pull it off?
The problem is this: I am thin and I'm in incredible shape (for my age). ;) Actually for any age, but still... I already "have it," that thing that is suppose to make everything alright. So what happens when I stop playing this game with myself? What then?
I'll tell you what then. I sabotage myself.
- I get my weight to 95. (check)
- I freak out about it. (check)
- I decide that I might as well enjoy a little more misbehavior and eat carelessly. (up to 1500-1800 calories a day) (check)
- I get sick of it. (check)
- I restrict to 800 calories again. (?)
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