While I could blame my weak state of mind on Uruguay being out of the World Cup...Like this is a joking matter. I'm so light headed it feels like it should be. Laugh it off. Move on with my night. But no.
I was adding the calories from the salad to my day's intake log, realized how close to 1000 calories I was and panicked. One thousand calories should be totally acceptable though. Especially because I spent over 100 minutes on the trackstand trainer. Yeah, can you say mentally unstable? Cause that's me, man.
What killed me was a bagel I had earlier, with peanut butter. I make a point not to eat bagels as a rule because they're a waste of calories for the sparse nutrients you get. Though I got most of it out of me, I know I didn't get it all. Even after I spent an hour throwing up.
I realize I don't binge or barf enough to meet the criteria for bulimia, but to me it kind of doesn't matter. The behavior brings about such unbelievable self loathing. It fucking feels like bulimia. (I don't mean to belittle anyone suffering with bulimia. I've been there, too.)
Is this what I do to set myself up or what? Maybe I just don't want to weigh 90. I did return to 92 the last time I weighed myself, after fasting last week. I guess I'll fast again. I don't really care about my health to be honest. Fuck it. I've got to push for under 85% of healthy weight. Enough of this sitting at 87-88%.
gweni,
ReplyDeleteGreat insight. Thanks for sharing. Bulimia is gross. It's insanely weak and often the shame that follows is tremendous. It only sets you up for more madness. I agree that thinking 1000 calories is too much...??? But in your space, it is. You will get back. I'm in a bad place for two weeks now. Can't stop the cycle. Can't risk with my heart condition, but still going at it. Think I am going to try protein drinks only for a week. They fill me, keep calories at about 500 for the day, and I don't purge them. Need to try something. Your pics are great. You look amazing.
I don't know how I missed this comment D. I hope that by now you're doing better. I'm so so. My weight did drop a little more. My period is a month late. This isn't exactly where I want to be, but I don't know. I'm glad in a sick way. Yesterday I ate 1600 cals though. I felt guilty for not taking care of myself. I'm so screwed up. Sigh. I'll email soon.
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