on pharmies and in the burbs

So, I'm in the suburbs at grandma's not-so-secret hideaway. I came out here Monday. Want to know the most honest reason why I came out? Cause there are a number of reasons I could list and they'd sound valid enough.

The truth is that I needed pharmaceuticals. Alright? In a way, it can be a sick relationship between us. My grandma has always given me the pharmies I want. When I was strung out and needed some benzos just to freaking rest, it was to grammy's hideaway I went. When the ugliness of living with addicts was too much...grammy's hideaway. Anytime the pain of life gets to be too much...grammy's hideaway.

To me, the relationship is complicated. Granted, she's the only person in the world who's had my back no matter what. I have to wonder, though, if the fact that her husband, my granddad, molested me as a kid has anything to do with that. He's dead now, but even he would insist that they help me no matter what back in the day.

Developmentally, I'm frozen. The fact that I can come out here with my children, play by day and get zonked on benzos and barbituates at night doesn't help. I prolong my stagnation. What's there to move forward to anyway?

Out here, I get no mail, no phone calls (I let my cell battery go uncharged), no one knocking on my door; I have no responsibilities. At least not at the level I'm use to handling. I'm so fucking sick of my responsibilities. Aside from the work I've been doing around my grandma's property and in her house, I haven't been doing shit.

Well, I have been working out (I brought my bike and the track stand trainer with me) and watching television; sports mostly, but I'm fascinated by the myriad reality shows. Like, wow; Cut Off, Next Artist, Dog, Real Housewives, Bethanny, First 48, Dance Your Ass Off, etc. See, I don't watch TV at home. I don't have cable. I see TV viewing as being one of the most worthless pursuits of all time. Still, I've been checking it out plenty.

Nothing exists here. I don't exist here. In the burbs everything is surreal to begin with, so it seems nothing like real life. It's one big fantasy/nightmare and everyone is faking who they are. Today, I'd planned on going home. The children are with their dad and I thought I wanted some time alone. Apparently, I just want time to come to a halt and this is the realm of no time.

This is the environment in which everything stopped for me. Maybe I come back for lengthy stays every now and then hoping to reclaim what was stolen from me. Maybe I come to forget who I've become.