My Latest Attempt at a Reality Check

Some people say that size is objective. I say, there's no freaking way. I don't remember a time when I had a realistic take on size. I don't even know what that would mean. My only gauge for size comes from a hollow pit of distortion.

Frustrated by my body's unwillingness to cooperate with my mental demands to get smaller and stay healthy, I decided to take another shot at acceptance. Go ahead. Laugh. My brilliant idea was to take pictures with the computer camera so I could see what I look like, to see if I can be acceptable.

 How messed up is that? How seemingly vain and narcissistic of me to do such a thing. What non-ED people fail to realize is that it's nothing like that. It's not about thinking you look hot and wanting to admire yourself. It's more like a desperate need to feel connected to your physical existence.

When I look at these, it doesn't translate well in my head. It doesn't even look like me; it doesn't look the same way I feel. And I find it curious that I didn't photograph my head. I guess I believe myself to be a hideous person, not that I'm ugly...except on the inside.