Image by Gingertail via FlickrSometimes, I want to sink in to my denial about having an eating disorder. Currently, that's where I am. My weight is holding at 92 which I'm terribly ambivalent about, bordering on the ridiculous. I feel muscular, but weak, except after coffee of course.
I am eating. I'd say about 900-1000 calories a day. Eating and digesting at times, but barfing my guts out once every other day or so. I just don't want to think about it. I don't want to be my fucking eating disorder.
I miss my life! I miss my friends. I miss having a lover, but I can't deal with guys if I'm not in denial about eating disorder crap. I want my secret to be, to stay my secret. I can't very well barf or go hungry with a doting dude around. Conundrum.
I have stopped taking ativan at night. So long depression! That stuff made me a spaced out, loser. I swear. Xanax has no residual effects on me like the ativan does. No mas!
I'll see my shrink in a few days.I'm going to ask for a wellbutrin, adderall or ritalin combo. I've taken ritalin before and the wellbutrin, meh, I'll try.
I've found some work! Big yay! And it should get me through the end of the year. Thank goodness because I haven't seen shit from sperm donor ex-huzz.
I'm digging my way out and it requires a great amount of denial to do so. :)
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