With hesitance, I woke today; flashes of a snack in the night kept going through my head, so I went to the kitchen to look for evidence. It wasn't too bad; an apple and a yogurt. Already though, I'd used up 180 calories for the day. (may as well round it to 200) Nervously, I made my coffee; ground the beans, dumped them in the press along with near boiling water, and fidgeted until it was ready. Lately, my anxiety seems to never leave me, and I am so tired.
Anywhere but here, any time but now, any life...wait, I needn't be that friggin dramatic. I just wanted out of my life today and I did everything possible to keep myself distant from, well, myself, because I'm screwed. No matter what I choose, there is an ugly consequence. Either my children lose or I lose, which means, we all lose. I can not move forward.
Enter active ED mode. It kind of sneaked up on me. I mean, I'm always aware of what I'm putting in my bod and how much I weigh. I don't do the get-fat-then-get-small song and dance. I stay small without much effort. After living with an ED for over 20 years, so much behavior is automatic. I just don't do FAT, and can't ever be it. Recently though, I decided I should be a bit smaller than I am, a symbolic shrinking away from my dreaded responsibilities perhaps.
My thoughts have been increasingly obsessive since then. So much actually, that I see a clear edge. Should I venture too close, I know to get help. For now, I'm enjoying the distraction, even though I was in tears today. I just couldn't be present in my day. I had some benzos, so I took them. The result was a hazy day. I took a nap, read, spaced out a lot. But, um, today I realized how bad things are getting. I really hate my life, and it has nothing to do with EDs.
This blog will be about my day to day struggle with indecision and figuring out my next move; while I juggle single motherhood, homeschooling one of two kids, caring for home and garden, cycling, completing PT so I can return to running, keeping things real with my family, friends, art, unemployment, other people's breakdowns, city life, a piece of shit car, a dying dog, and an eating disorder.
Hey just want to let you know you arn't alone. Although i don't have a clue how hard it must be being a single parent, i know how hectic life can get and so i just wanna let you know that this is a safe place where you can vent all your shit out.
ReplyDelete(that sounded so sickly, sorry, i'm really bad with sensitive stuff haha )
Anyway best of luck, and we are all behind you.
Tink x
(i just want to be normal)
I understand the anxiety. The anxiety is a great and growling creature.
ReplyDeleteThe more you eat, the less control you have and the greater the anxiety. The less you eat, the lower your blood sugar, the greater the anxiety.
It claws at you. And when it's not touching you, it stalks you with quiet steps, keeps at your heels.
Breathe through it. Just keep moving and breathe.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm trying to get it to run more like I want, so I'll spend less time fidgeting with settings and more time writing.
ReplyDeleteIt's relieving to break the isolation of ED life. This seems like a good start since I'm not willing to pay for therapy I don't need, and I refuse to go to support groups. I've already given enough of my time to those activities.
For taking the time to leave comments, I thank you! <3