like

It's not my favorite version of Creep, but it'll do. To me, this vid is way poignant.

And sad.

And may be a trigger.

xo

hunger

I'm loath to admit how hungry I am, both in the literal and metaphorical manner. Thing is, I deny and deny and deny it. What right have I to be hungry, to want, to need? The act of needing seems so infantile and weak, creating an unbearable vulnerability within me that I can do without. Need. I don't even like the word, the shape my face makes when I say it. It's so...so Cruella de Vil.

And then I was interrupted.

Just like that. No warning. Came a child down the stairs in need of one thing or another, usually reassurance, calm  in the middle of the night. Of course a child's needs trump all others, so I gave him what he needed; a back scratch, a hug, tenderness, love, and a dash of impatience. My solitude, or my illusion of solitude got shattered.

Now I sit here with shaky hands and an arrhythmic heart, having spent the past thirty minutes puking. I'm high as hell, that after-purge wasted feeling. Man. I don't even care that I barfed really, only that I'll have to share it with my "accountability" peeps.

Besides, I know I'm getting smaller, though I'm not going to weigh myself to see how much smaller. In truth, I don't want to reach a goal weight because then it'd be over, the quest. I want to keep chasing after that feeling. I want my emptiness to be filled with light, with something pure. I want to feel safe, to be loved, to be held, to be validated. My body reflects my rebellion and my pain, both of which are rooted in my refusal to admit to need and vulnerability.

I seriously want to believe that I don't care.

reboot

Apparently my day is supposed to go like this:

1. wake up
2. decide it's not worth it
3. take a nap
4. wake up #2
5. make coffee
6. stretch
7. get online
8. get frustrated by the limits of the wordpress WYSIWYG and template functionality
9. consider smashing things
10. decide to get real
11. go with the get real vibe
12. get realer and blow off pointless responsibilities; ie, calling home owner's insurance co.
13. try to be a wee bit less of a total bitch
14. enjoy the grumble from the emptiness
15. make a quick post to see if I've managed this blog any better
16. work out for 90 minutes
17. stretch
18. wish I could just go back to bed

a day of sorts

With hesitance, I woke today; flashes of a snack in the night kept going through my head, so I went to the kitchen to look for evidence. It wasn't too bad; an apple and a yogurt. Already though, I'd used up 180 calories for the day. (may as well round it to 200)  Nervously, I made my coffee; ground the beans, dumped them in the press along with near boiling water, and fidgeted until it was ready. Lately, my anxiety seems to never leave me, and I am so tired.

Anywhere but here, any time but now, any life...wait, I needn't be that friggin dramatic. I just wanted out of my life today and I did everything possible to keep myself distant from, well, myself, because I'm screwed. No matter what I choose, there is an ugly consequence. Either my children lose or I lose, which means, we all lose. I can not move forward.

Enter active ED mode. It kind of sneaked up on me. I mean, I'm always aware of what I'm putting in my bod and how much I weigh. I don't do the get-fat-then-get-small song and dance. I stay small without much effort. After living with an ED for over 20 years, so much behavior is automatic. I just don't do FAT, and can't ever be it. Recently though, I decided I should be a bit smaller than I am, a symbolic shrinking away from my dreaded responsibilities perhaps.

My thoughts have been increasingly obsessive since then. So much actually, that I see a clear edge. Should I venture too close, I know to get help. For now, I'm enjoying the distraction, even though I was in tears today. I just couldn't be present in my day. I had some benzos, so I took them. The result was a hazy day. I took a nap, read, spaced out a lot. But, um, today I realized how bad things are getting. I really hate my life, and it has nothing to do with EDs.

This blog will be about my day to day struggle with indecision and figuring out my next move; while I juggle single motherhood, homeschooling one of two kids, caring for home and garden, cycling, completing PT so I can return to running, keeping things real with my family, friends, art, unemployment, other people's breakdowns, city life, a piece of shit car, a dying dog, and an eating disorder.